Expecting to get a result when you visit Camp Nou is almost as dangerous as bragging to a mob boss about your conquests a week ago with his 18yr old daughter and if you can somehow stay alive or manage to flee the planet after pulling off such a feat, you’re almost deserving of the trophy then and there… but let’s not get ahead of ourselves just yet, there are still 90min to be played in this tie and as is stands Barca have the upper hand with their away goal, so the onus is on Ze Germans to attack. Something tells me they shouldn’t have any problems doing that. Can they pull an amazing performance out of their battle hats though and get away with knocking the socks off the mob bosses daughter on his turf? I think the answer is quite simple really. It’ll be highly unlikely!… and this is how I picked the rest of ‘em.

I predict:
Barcelona 3 v 1 Stuttgart
Bordeaux 1 v 1 Olympiacos

Going two-nil up against Barca is the layman’s equivalent of getting Sienna Miller and Kate Moss in the sack… at the same time! So you could imagine how excited the boys from Madrid must have been when Simao buried his free kick and Atleti’s second into the back of Victor Valdes’ net last night. They were licking their lips and rubbing their hands in glee till Zlatan popped up and things got a little tense (aka Sienna had to sneak out and head home). They did manage to hold out of course and at the end of the 90min, (you still had Kate twisted like a pretzel) not only did they walk away as happy as Larry, they managed to break a 21 match unbeaten streak in the process… not bad for a night’s work, if I do say so myself!

Sorry, no Sienna or Kate, just action from from the match:

Match highlights:

It must be pretty hard to keep a level head when a stadium erupts into chanting your name every time they see you on the jumbo screen, but from the moment he came on as a second half substitute, that’s exactly what Lionel Messi did. A moment of good build up work led to Ibrahimovic passing the ball forward and with his first touches of the match, the tricky Argentine maestro produced his own magic to put Barca ahead and in command of the semi final… I’m still waiting on the confirmation from NASA, but I think it’s safe to assume that if I woke up one morning to find myself in a stadium where everyone was chanting my name, my penis’ launch velocity would make the Endeavour Space Shuttle’s look like child’s play!

Note: I, am almost as big a legend as Messi for predicting the exact score of this match… preparing for take off in 10, 9, 8, 7…

It may not be rocket science, but how else do you explain the brilliance of this young man and his team… I’ll try using pictures:

Match highlights:

I can never get enough of watching Barcelona and in particular Lionel Messi taking a team to the cleaners and well this match wasn’t any different really. Seriously, this kid is brilliant and it’s exactly why he received the coveted ‘Ballon d’Or’ last night. Respect!

Gameweek score:
6 out of 10

Results:
Xerez 0 v 2 Atletico Madrid
Espanyol 0 v 4 Racing Santander
Malaga 1 v 1 Osasuna
Athletic Bilbao 1 v 2 Valencia
Villarreal 3 v 1 Getafe
Real Madrid 4 v 2 Almería
Deportivo La Coruña 1 v 3 FC Barcelona
Mallorca 4 v 1 Zaragoza
Sevilla 1 v 1 Valladolid
Tenerife 2 v 1 Sporting Gijón

Barcelona celebrating and Messi taking away the Ballon d’Or:

Match highlights – Deportivo La Coruna 1 v 3 Barcelona:

You start the match on the bench, patiently watching, waiting for the coach to turn around and call your name so that you get your 15min of glory in the legend that is an ‘El Clasico’. When he finally does, you wait anxiously on the touch line, only to look away from the player you’re replacing as he runs at you and wishes you luck. You run straight to your position and get stuck in straight away. A touch here, a tackle there… a mere 5 minutes later and the ball has been crossed to you from the right, as you wait for it to find you running to the back post, you ponder “should I tap it in with poise and style or slam the balls off of the fucker!?”…
There has to be some level of satisfaction when you score a goal like that in one of the games of the season, while the whole world is watching! I mean, I still get a buzz when I sit at the front of the bus on my way home from ‘Nymphos Anonymous’ and play pocket pool! Sure it’s a little annoying at first cause everyone sits there watching in disgust, but when I finally RISE to the occasion, then its on like Donkey Kong, so I could only image what it’s like to get your thrills in front of 90,000 adoring spectators! Aww shit!

The plethora of stars in action:

Match highlights:

It’s always awesome returning to league action after a week of World Cup Qualifying shenanigans, so I’m amped and ready to go for the weekends matches… unlike Zlatan Ibrahimovic, who our amigos over at Heads or Tails warn may miss this weekend’s match, the crucial mid-week Champions League belter against Inter Milan and possibly the derby of the year against Real Madrid. Not sure I like the sound of that, but such is football and in the mean time we have bigger fish to fry, Spanish style!

Predictions:
Athletic Bilbao 2 v 2 FC Barcelona
Mallorca 2 v 1 Almeria
Real Madrid 3 v 0 Racing Santander
Malaga 1 v 1 Zaragoza
Tenerife 1 v 3 Sevilla
Deportivo La Coruña 1 v 2 Atletico Madrid
Espanyol 2 v 1 Getafe
Osasuna 1 v 1 Valencia
Villarreal 3 v 1 Valladolid
Xerez 1 v 1 Sporting Gijón

Ever wondered what it would be like to play against Barca? Here’s an idea, jump on a freeway and try catch and the next car as it speeds on by… well go on, I’ll wait.

I’m still waiting!

What, you couldn’t even get close? Don’t worry, neither could Eto’o or the rest of Inter’s attack for that matter. And while they looked comfortable throughout the first half, the second half was a different story. Messi arose from first half obscurity and started linking with everyone to create chances and I did expect at least one goal in the match but Barca were trying to be a little too clever in their attempts at trying to get around the bus Inter had parked in front of their goal. The return leg will deliver plenty more goals… you best believe that.

Match highlights:

Older Internazionale news:
Ibra Almost A Blaugrana… Still A Douche!
Two easy – Manchester United 2 v 0 Inter
Advantage Inter? Hardly! Inter 0 v 0 Manchester United
Review – Derby della Madonnina – Internazionale 2 v 1 AC Milan

Tonight sees the return of two great strikers at their old stomping grounds and I can’t wait to see Zlatan and Eto’o show their old coaches and fans, that life really is greener. I doubt we’ll see any Adebayor type tactics on their ex-players, however Zlatan has been know to be a bit of a douche in the past, so I won’t put it past him. Regardless, it’ll be a kick-ass match… and here’s how I picked the rest of ‘em.

I predict:
Liverpool FC 3 v 0 Debreceni VSC
Olympique Lyonnais 1 v 1 ACF Fiorentina
FC Internazionale Milano 0 v 1 FC Barcelona
FC Dynamo Kyiv 2 v 0 FC Rubin Kazan
VfB Stuttgart 1 v 1 Rangers FC
Sevilla FC 2 v 0 FC Unirea Urziceni
Olympiacos FC 1 v 1 AZ Alkmaar
R. Standard de Liège 1 v 3 Arsenal FC

Barca continued last years scintillating form by completely wiping the floor with Atletico Bilbao in the Spanish Supercup final last night. It was like a training drill in front of 80,000 fans as the players lined up to have a crack at the Bilbao goal. A week out from the start of the La Liga and it looks to me like Barca will again be wearing the dominatrix leathers and cracking the whip, whilst everyone else in the league (Real Madrid included) leans over a wooden clamp biting on a rubber ball preparing to be dominated… sounds like fun!

Match highlights:

Older Barcelona news:
Beck In The Good Books – LA Galaxy 1 v 2 Barcelona
Barca, The Ibra Has Landed!
Ibra Almost A Blaugrana… Still A Douche!
Take It Away Barca! Barcelona 2 v 0 Manchester United

• Is he a great buy for the club? Definitely.
• Will he score a mound of goals this season? Well playing amongst talented individuals the likes of Messi, Iniesta, Xavi, Henry etc… one would inevitably say so.
• And will he finally do something about his fugly head?… Unfortunately, If he couldn’t do it in fashionable Milan, I don’t think a positive resolve will be reached in Barcelona, however one would even go as far as saying he already holds the award for the biggest schnoz in Spain… go on Ibra, add that to your list of achievements in Italy!

Yep, the only way is up baby… or in Ibra’s case, tilted forward and slightly crooked!

Zlatan’s arrival to Barcelona:

Older Zlatan Ibrahimović news:
Ibra Almost A Blaugrana… Still A Douche!
Weekend watch: Nike Mercurial Vapor Superfly

The only thing that remains is for the club to reach an agreement with the player. The two parties are negotiating the conditions, just as we are with Ibrahimovic… In any case, whether or not Eto’o stays or goes, Ibrahimovic will be coming to Barcelona.” - Joan Laporta

Shiiiit, if it’s one player I hate almost as much as that arrogant frog Nicolas Anelka, it has to be this guy and if this proposed “swap” deal goes through, it’s going to be interesting to see how the humble souls in Catalonia handle the big fat asteroid sized ego heading straight for their city! They should get ready to call in Bruce, Billy Bob and Ben… Pep’s gonna need all the asteroid shootin’ experience he can get!

Goal highlights:
Ok, so I hate his attitude, head, hair and pissy tats… but you can’t deny he’s one of the greatest strikers in the world at the moment!

Older Zlatan Ibrahimovic news:
Weekend watch: Nike Mercurial Vapor Superfly
Two easy – Manchester United 2 v 0 Inter
Advantage Inter? Hardly! Inter 0 v 0 Manchester United

I’ve hastily been scouring the internet over the last week or so, for images of all the players that were wearing Nike’s latest creations, the Mercurial Vapor Superfly’s and surprisingly like a police investigation at Tony Soprano’s house, the more I dug, the more I seem to find!
Here’s what I’ve got so far, feel free to add to the list if I’ve missed some players and I’ll source images to include in future posts.

Players so far:

Older Nike Mercurial Vapor Superfly news:
Champions League – Second Leg – First Knockout Round Predictions – Wednesday
Spotlight: Ronaldo wearing Nike Mercurial Vapor Superfly’s
Spotlight: Drogba wearing Nike Mercurial Vapor Superfly’s
Coming soon: Nike Mercurial Superfly

Last fortnights match review

Match highlights:

Running tally:

Match highlights:

Running tally: